Having more peace of mind now than I have had in years started with therapy. It started with venting in this blog (back when I wrote everyday, not once every few months). It started with discovering a community that I related too as they did to me. That’s how it started.
And by no means is it even close to being the kind of inner peace I am working towards. But it’s much stronger than at any point during the entirety of the 2010 decade. There are bigger reasons why this is so.
- I have more of that inner validation that speaks louder than what I get from others. The inner validation I would NOT have received though had people not given it to me first. Especially from my therapist and the mental health community. But in the end (or at least at this point in time), it was me.
- I am no longer surrounded by toxic people on an everyday basis. When you take a toxic environment for granted most of your life, it shapes how you see the world at large and its values. Many of the behaviors and beliefs I took for granted I assumed were okay and because I wasn’t like that, I had to adapt to “fit in” to a world I never wanted to be a part of but had no other choice. It’s evident that various things I suspected were wrong back then is being seen as such from a lot more people at large witnessing today and/or living with similar circumstances. Whether it be toxic “friends”, a toxic job, a toxic (or worse) school, and other surroundings that give one a negative perception of one’s self. Ironically I was being told by the same people who make me feel bad about myself that I should stop being so hard on myself and see myself how others see me. Well…that kinda is what I am (was) doing??…But I digress. Those days are long gone now.
- I do the work that works for me. Not work for the sake of working because of capitalism and a paycheck. Do I sound like a pampered, spoiled, soft snowflake who is blind to reality? Possibly. Is that truly the case? Nope. Far from it. In fact it’s probably even further away from that than those who make these types of claims/insults.
- I do not question myself on the same level I used to when people are being mean spirited or ignorant towards me. For instance, a few weeks ago, I was talking a long walk back to my house from the supermarket. I was holding an energy drink I have very often. Someone called the cops on me assuming (or pretending most likely) that it was an open container of alcohol. Because I look unusual and walk a lot, someone nearby decided to do this for fun and to be a complete dick. Did it piss me off at the time? Of course. Do I take it out on who I am like it is my fault I am not “normal”? Hell no. I would have non-stop when similar stuff was happening to me in the past 20 years (yes, that long) and tried to change. Not anymore. And unlike then, my family, friends and of course my therapist support my grounded stance on not changing a thing out of fear. Though I must make it clear that having white privilege and living in a quaint area of a blue state helped with this a lot too, or I would have been arrested and probably beat up (or worse) the minute the cop spotted me walking up the street. Now THAT should piss anyone with a single braincell off to no end. But once again, I digress.
Those are only four reasons out of many more but they are huge ones but I still have a long way to go before I feel real peace of mind. And we all know the repeated saying that life is a journey, not a destination, and all that jazz. But my inner goal is not to be at a stone cold finish line. It is however to feel a similar level of enthusiasm and optimism as I did before my adolescence when everything went to hell. I continue to see my very young age of nine as the happiest time of my life. That doesn’t mean it always will be or that I’m too old to have another year or more like that, mentally speaking.
Oh yeah, and speaking of my adolescence…
(no I thankfully wasn’t abused on THIS level, but being a Massachusetts native, it could have reached that level)
… #STOPTHESHOCK !!!