This Year Is Like A See-Saw

The year 2020 was off to a fantastic start. I was feeling like a brand new me. Someone who was beginning to live life as if he woke up 11 years after 2008 when depression hit big and made the 2010 decade a complete blur for me. All of the raw, bottled up emotions were less of an issue when it came to releasing them. Throughout January if I was ever triggered by something, not only was it rare. But it wouldn’t affect me for more than a few minutes.

Fast forward some weeks later and as February 2020 comes to a close, I must say most of what I stated just now is still true, but the reactions to triggers have not changed at all. And the last thing I need is for them to get worse. There is one thing I am really thankful for in regards to this though, as strange as that sounds. The latter half of 2019 had me feeling too comfortable emotionally. I blogged about this from time to time when that was going (or better yet, not going) on. Even if that was a good thing, I didn’t want to get too comfortable because I didn’t want to betray my whole motivation of telling my story, not holding back, sharing my true emotions and then go backwards to being a doormat again. It’s safe to say the fire in me has been reignited. Is it comfortable? Hell no. You could probably see this was true from my post a week ago calling out toxic, dangerous and unhelpful organizations. I get a lot of reminders of these things and stick-out, highlighted moments from the past just as often now as I did two years ago if not more. And I have come to realize why this is.

Number one is that there is indeed a subconscious calendar reaction in my head when the anniversary of specific moments are coming up. The key moments that I have thought about the most are my two visits to the ER in March and April of 2018 over panic attacks. The thoughts were so bad just a couple days ago I went to bed and woke up still feeling the same level of anxiety physically and mentally as I did on those two nights. The flashbacks weren’t the only things making me feel like this as they were propelled by other things that evening I won’t get into.

Number two is the political climate (nothing new there but yeah) which continues to get worse and worse but what intensifies it more than ever is Trump being acquitted from the impeachment trials without a scratch. This is the year of the presidential election and as much as I predicted he wouldn’t last his whole first term, it’s evident the massively corrupt power he still holds has let him survive nearly four years and there are some of the worst people you will ever meet cheering him on for a second term. What doesn’t help is all of the democratic nominees have done nothing but battle each other instead of battling Trump himself. Plus my dad (whom I am beginning to agree and sympathize with much less day by day) was stating for a brief time he is gonna vote for Bloomberg. It didn’t surprise me he said that to be honest. Never in a million years would I support that guy though as he’s just a watered down Trump who is only running alongside “Dems” and progressives because it’s convenient for him and his brand right now. And then there is the coronavirus which gets closer each day and I seem to take it more serious than anyone else.

And finally, number three. My therapist. In the past year working with her, it has hit me week after week how I was NOT in the wrong at all years ago when I was made to feel like I was the definition of trouble. I have said this a billion times on here already but the validation I have received has gotten to the point now where I am no longer overjoyed that somebody gets it like I was feeling when the very first session happened. At this point, I’m used to that. Now comes the dark side. Building anger inside over how manipulated, abused and dismissed I was by not just authority figures but people I have been close to for years who I thought were there for me and changed overtime but in reality were Always toxic from the beginning. Plus part of me still feels like I’m not allowed to be angry because I will come across as some narcissist type who blames everyone for things except myself. I know damn well this is not true at all. I’m a fucking Crisis Angel. But I digress. Validation is very much a gift and curse. Once u have accepted the things you thought were your fault are not, you then have to process these facts and it is painful to do just like letting out all of the bottled emotions building up for years.

As March is just around the corner, the best thing about this year so far, is my self awareness, and awareness of pretty much everything for what it really is, is at the highest it’s ever been so if anyone did try to manipulate me today, they would fail miserably.

One more source of concrete proof and validation of everything I have been trying to get across to people in these past two years, I will share in this link below.


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