Just When You (And I) Thought I Was Getting Soft…

If that last blogpost was any indication that I am finally feeling free more than ever, it was false. Extremely false. The truth is, I am still struggling internally and didn’t realize it until a couple days ago. The truth is, the fact the social security administration decided to change my health insurance to something that doesn’t cover appointments with my therapist (temporarily anyway) because of my monthly SSI benefits, I have missed nearly two months of appointments and was foolish to think I could wait it out because things have really picked up for me compared to when I first saw her back in December. But I can’t and won’t wait it out. Been getting triggered like crazy over recent things that don’t involve me really but won’t get into them for this post. Let’s just say the last thing I need is to let this shit affect me to the point where I’m back where I was a couple years ago, back at square one. Which has been the story of my life after college, and it’s not gonna happen again over some bullshit insurance providers I didn’t ask for.

So within October and November, before the insurance DOES kick in for her finally, I am booking four appointments which will be payed out of my pocket. I’m dead serious. It should also be noted to whoever doesn’t already know this. My past is always going to haunt me. I am never going to “get over it”. And my mother has been more and more understanding of that in the past few months which is shocking but it’s something that means a lot to me as I would have never expected that last year. For years a lot of trauma has been buried deep down and I had no idea it was there in the first place. Not until what is getting closer to nearly 2 years ago.

 

You know what? Fuck it. I’m just gonna say what recent triggering moment was for me. It was yesterday and it was Greta Thunberg’s amazing and passionate “how dare you” speech yesterday addressing the U.N., politicians and of course Trump at their INTENTIONAL failed action regarding climate change. It was a sequel to how I reacted to March For Our Lives last year. I identify a lot with these kids. You may look at me and not believe that but it’s true. But Greta especially because she has Aspergers (I am back to using that term, not just “autism” and anyone who calls me an Aspie Supremacist for using the phrase in 2019 can eat a fat dick). She is standing in front of hundreds of thousands of millions of rigid old guys telling it like it is and everything she is saying is 100 percent true. Now imagine someone on the spectrum speaking out about an extremely important issue 20 years earlier at that age. It would never happen. The platform would never be allowed for them. No. They would be grabbed and restrained in front of whoever they are angrily (and rightfully so) testifying to with the adults hand covering their mouth too probably.

I should point out that what I am writing at this point was not planned. This was supposed to be a post about seeing my therapist again but I don’t do scripted, pre-rehearsed posts or videos. That’s not my style and I’m proud that it isn’t. In my opinion, anything a writing class at your average college (aka the place where you’re being set up by the system for failure, and in my case, even more trauma piled on which also affects me 10 years later) would give an F, is the type of writing I love. I never plan to restrain myself in all aspects and that includes how I express myself. You have people like Kanye West (the new Kanye, not the George-Bush-Doesn’t-Care-About-Black-People Kanye from back in the day)…and Trump who are outspoken in a BAD way, but then you have people like me, 2Pac, Eminem, pretty much anyone who tells shit like it is and doesn’t hold back regardless of what conservative critics write about them.

At the end of the day, I have two purposes in life.

1. To support people struggling with their mental health.

2. An apology from every person, establishment etc that identifies with the people I had to deal with, if not them specifically, although that would be even better.

 

Rant Over. And like I said in one of my most popular early posts, “Tone Policing Is Unacceptable”

2 thoughts on “Just When You (And I) Thought I Was Getting Soft…

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