I Am Not Satisfied

These past couple weeks I have been having a severe case of writer’s block when it comes to this blog. Too much has been happening with moving, being around my parents too much, and constant calls with health insurance and the social security office who don’t know how to do their job and keep sending misleading things in the mail trying to fuck up my medication coverage during the summer because I am on SSI. Anyway, I have also been still recovering from that medication (the side effects from them, not the insurance part I just mentioned) issue I have been having. It seems to be getting better. I have tons more energy and have been practically burning holes through my skin (don’t worry, just wanted to make sure people reading didn’t think every outlandish thing I say is serious) with how much walking I have been doing throughout each and every day while still handling my duties with the #MHCrisisAngels on my phone.

I have been doing better in the past few days. But something has really been bothering me a lot regarding myself recently that I need to address. I am becoming less authentic and assertive at certain things. As a result, I get upset over things more easily without a release and reaction. Around the time I started this blog and throughout most of 2018, I had a “fuck you” attitude that I wasn’t afraid to shove it in the faces of everyone on the internet and in person. Now I am more content with things. So if you notice the title of this post is “I Am Not Satisfied”. Well, I’m not. I’m content with how things have improved in my life and most importantly, the lives of others because of my own initiative last year but I want that initiative back. There are VERY few outcomes in my life I consider my fault, but this is one of them. Just the fact that I said that shows I am not the same person as a year ago. To be honest, I don’t believe in the term “matured” unless it’s referring to people’s physical aging. Hell, the whole concept behind “adulting” to me is just another way of saying “lose your purity and become confined to a crooked society that you were raised to believe (aka lied to) didn’t exist”. If someone “matures” mentally it’s only good if that’s what they choose to do naturally as an individual. Not because the outside world influenced them to “mature” alone and nothing would have changed had it not been for said influence. So I say all of this because my change in personality recently I don’t see in a positive light. I see it as regressing. I WANT to be pissed off at society sometimes (which everyone should be everyday if you care about our future) or nothing good will come out of it. One thing I could not be more thankful for, that has been consistently good from the very start is my role in the #MHCrisisAngels. As much as I hate being passive over certain things lately, what we do as a team is something none of us (not just me) were doing a year ago. So if you want an honest, pure, unfiltered and justified reason to be satisfied and happy/content with something in the present, it is undoubtedly that.

I just need to keep it real in this blog more often again. The writers block came from trying to be “too careful”. I never EVER want to fall into that mental trap again. Never again.

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