My New Therapist (Part 4)

Every week I have a very productive appointment with my therapist. The 45 minutes go by so fast but I always leave feeling different than when I came in. Sometimes happier, sometimes vulnerable, sometimes angry. The second and third ones I mentioned have nothing to do with my therapist keep in mind. She is still as understanding, validating and empowering as she was from the first session. If anything, those qualities are showing even more lately. Here is why. If I leave an appointment angry, it is because we discussed something out of the blue that we BOTH find enraging. Not just me. For example, I told her one time about that voice coach from back in 2014 and that final session that confirmed to me I would never come back again. My therapist’s reaction to her words about my “off putting demeanor”, me being in a one-person (me) category called the “fuck-you generation” and so on…was filled with just as much outrage as I still feel to this day. When this kind of validation happens, it has a positive effect on me obviously. But it also makes me come face to face with the reality that things said and done to me were NOT okay. And any reasoning or rationalizing those actions against me is just making it worse. So basically, this is one example of how I was told I was right the whole time for years when I was told I was wrong for feeling negative about being treated a certain way. I was Right. They were Wrong. When I requested to my psychiatrist last November to set me up with a therapist, it was for the purpose of self discovery and working through my mental health issues. But what I got instead was what I REALLY needed and should have had years ago. I am indeed discovering myself and learning things about me and my past and looking at things a certain way. But this is the difference from what most people think of when they read that previous sentence. I am discovering everything about myself I knew at a very young age until adults stole those positive and confident thoughts and tried to reshape me into something I wasn’t. I am being reassured that that statement in that previous sentence is NOT out of line or insane. Am I finding myself? Yes. Am I improving myself in these sessions? No. Why? Because there is nothing to improve. I am being encouraged to eventually hold the abusers of the past accountable for their actions. I am being told my parents were being invalidating from a professional who never met them and is hearing me explain one scenario from home and her reaction is even more enraged than mine was. My goals in between sessions is to own my strengths and take pride in them. Not to practice smiling at people. Not to learn how to face reality. Not to learn how to do a job interview. Not to learn how to act like a neurotypical. No. None of those toxic things. I am being taught how to realize everything I was mad at I logically had every right to be. Not because of autism/aspergers or being “super sensitive”. Because certain things that haunt me to this day really were NOT okay. And if I do not want to move on, I shouldn’t have to. If I did move on, this blog wouldn’t exist and neither would my Twitter account and my second family at the #MHCrisisAngels. It took far far longer than it should have to be assured I am not the creator of my problems, but it happened and just in the nick of time.

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