(I am holding off on writing and posting the remaining chapters of my “My Traumatic Adolescence” series. It was really hard actually to write Parts 1 & 2 and those represented the less darker times during the period of my life the series focuses on. But they still brought up a lot of emotions. So until I am in a better place myself and stop getting triggered constantly like I’ve been lately, the time leading up to Part 3 and the rest of THAT series might be a while. For now, I felt it very appropriate to do a Part 3 of the “My New Therapist” series as the events of today were a good enough reason to do so. Enjoy)
I have been seeing my incredibly validating, beyond helpful and confidence boosting therapist for several weeks now since my first session in December, which Part 1 talks all about. She is actually able to help me discover moments in my past that I didn’t even think of, that shape how my mind works today and how long ago these changes started and why.
Today was the most emotional session so far. Even more than the first one. While the first session had me breaking down because I was feeling grateful for being genuinely heard and understood, this most recent session had me REALLY breaking down. We were discussing further details I had yet to touch upon regarding my fifth grade year, which would start with me and my family moving to a new town/school, the bad experiences I had there, and the surprisingly just-as-bad experiences I had after we moved back to the original town and I returned to my original school. I gave her the specific details regarding what that second semester was like. She asked a lot of questions regarding friendships that ended. Needless to say, something hit a really sensitive place when I revealed I acted like a bully (or someone trying to be one because I was so out of it, isolated and low on self-esteem that I thought bullies were cool and not bad like they were depicted on PBS kids shows and only those shows, but I digress) to one of my friends. Not physically, but I occasionally picked on him, which I never did before. I don’t want to give too much away because this is what my third part of the current blog series (see intro above) will focus on partially. But the bottom line is, at that time, I was out of my element and was going through a lot of internal pain which I was too young to know was there. And because of the previous six months in between moving and moving back, my self-esteem hit an all time low and for years it would stay down there.
Revealing all of this to my therapist had me break down in tears. Not just because I was revisiting those times in my head, but because I was feeling a lot of guilt that didn’t need to be there. Why? Because I still am NOT as confident in myself as I thought I had became again. I started saying to her that I need constant reassurance that I am not a bad person and I did not deserve all of the abuse I would later experience in the next few years. AND that everything that people did to me in those years was wrong and I don’t need to over-explain myself for validation. I left the session once it ended in a very vulnerable state. I was holding back a lot of tears on the commute back home a few hours ago.
All I can say is a session like this was going to eventually happen. And they will probably happen a few more times down the line. But I got reassurance from her that nothing I told her today changed her perception of me. I also vented a little on twitter about how (in that current vulnerable state) I felt and have been feeling like I am a horrible person and as much as I can help and give back to people who share similar struggles or just struggles in general, I will never be convinced there is any good in me. This is what I said. Do I honestly believe that? Yes and No. Mostly it is No but some of my buried feelings do come out in emotional moments and they haven’t been fully unloaded yet. Even after a year when my numbness from depression vanished and I actually gave a fuck about things again, a LOT. The remaining emotional baggage I have been internalizing for years still needs to come out and the only way it can is through this therapy. And it will happen. A lot of progress has been made in it within the past three months. I am truly grateful to have found the right person to guide my through this mental health journey.