Recently I have been feeling a lot better about where I am at. 2019 has started out on an okay note. Mostly. I get triggered from watching the news about the current (STILL) government shutdown over here in the U.S. and how it is having what is pretty much a life-threatening effect on several workers with no weekly paychecks and leading us into what could be another Great Depression, all because Donald “President Pig” Trump wants his precious wall that he is not gonna get so he needs to sit the fuck down. But I digress…
What has overall made January 2019 good for ME is having a little more peace of mind. This is mostly due to my first few therapy sessions. If you recall an earlier blog post I had back in December, I met my new therapist and she has got to be the most validating and understanding person in a professional role that I have met in…I honestly don’t know how long. If ever. But she represents the current generations I think. She is more interested in the emotions and feelings of the client as opposed to strictly the facts and logic and telling us what we SHOULD do or what we’re doing wrong.
The thing that we have been starting to work on is the way I interpret hurtful things that are said to me (ie. “I can’t promise you this new person won’t be judgemental to you”), even from people with “good intentions” and how I (not others making me) try to rationalize these hurtful things and come up with reasons for it. Almost as if I don’t want to accept or feel bad about what was said. This all goes back to my history of being told I am overreacting to things. To being told I am playing the victim. To being told I am using my mental illnesses, my learning disability or “the system” as an excuse for my setbacks. So now when I talk to my therapist, I am even describing these events as hurtful but then giving possible reasons why he or she may have said these things. Almost like I am making excuses for THEM. She catches me every time this happens and reassures me that I am not reading into anything and I have a right to feel the way I do. And when we try to rationalize the words or actions that hurt us, it is (as she words it) like putting a band-aid over the emotional scar. Pretty much how I use the term “sweeping it under the rug”.
This is the kind of therapy I have needed years ago. No lie. And the thing is, she gives advice and gives feedback but I ALWAYS am agreeing with it. It’s the kind of advice I WANT and I NEED because it works for ME. She even told me about her opinion regarding CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) when I told her about me trying it one time back in the early spring last year (right after my numb depression disappeared and I was vulnerable). When I described the things I didn’t like about the approach (from what I saw anyway), she agreed with me and said a lot of what she sees in it is less human and more about handing out books and doing worksheets (meaning to put people in categories pretty much). Not saying it’s wrong. It just doesn’t work for me and it doesn’t work for her either. And that’s okay. Same as it is for people who do benefit from that kind of therapy. But that is the whole point really. Everyone is different. One size does not fit all. And for years I have been trying on sizes that don’t fit me even when people insisted they did. Well this time around I myself made the decision to try this new outfit on with nobody else’s influence, and what do you know…it fits. Great success!