A Shaky Ride With No Predictability Or Pattern

I gotta be completely honest (even though I’m always honest in this blog). I am still very much struggling. I am so relieved (like I said in one of my past videos) that my Abilify dosage was lowered so I could get my energy level back up and the side effects back down, but I have been experiencing many mood changes in the most inconvenient of times over nothing. The last time this happened was this last Saturday where I was going to my usual weekly class in music production. While I was sitting on the bench, waiting for the studio to open, I started crying uncontrollably and couldn’t stop. Nothing triggered this. Nothing. I tried to pull it together and go to the class anyway but I still couldn’t stop crying. When the instructor showed up and I told him I wasn’t able to do the class today for mental health reasons, he was annoyed but tried to keep his cool.
Once I got home, I tweeted about how desperate I was in holding on and staying positive and to keep going. It got a lot of responses. Unfortunately most of them were telling me either to call the national suicide hotline or go to the emergency room. As far as the latter, I have done that twice this year (my early blog posts talk about this when these visits actually happened). What I did also get though was a direct message from a person who wanted to reach out to me because she could very much relate. She gave me her cell number in the direct message because we both figured talking directly verbally like regular people would work better. I am usually very anti-phone and have been for a couple years now, but meeting someone new AND having someone to actually talk to directly that was from twitter was a first for me so I didn’t hesitate. When I called her the next day, we must have talked for over four hours if the clock on my phone didn’t lie. It was something I needed more than anything at that time and that is still true a few days later obviously. I learned from her and her shared experience that the national suicide hotline was very cruel to her when she needed to call them recently. They had the nerve to tell her she’s wasting their time because she’s “too old” for this. Thankfully a local hotline that wasn’t a big chain did help her out and was very understanding.
One thing I did a couple nights ago which I am very proud of myself for was volunteering to canvass for equal rights and protection for transgenders (Question 3 for Massachusetts Ballot). I met some really nice people and was paired up with someone with a script, a tracking phone app, and a specific turf/neighborhood to canvass at to get people to either vote Yes or No on the ballot this coming November. It was a very rewarding experience and I’m glad I did it as was everyone I participated with there. I will be going to another town with them to do this again a week and a half from now.
Today while I am writing this blog post which I am about to upload afterwards, I met with my psychiatrist because I was for no reason at all having somewhat of a panic attack again. I guess the office remembered how much I called them back in April with emergencies that they automatically squeeze me in first for open appointments if I call. We agreed my unpredictable mood-swings are not a result of the Abilify lowering but still yet a result of airing out all of the emotions I have held back for so many years. So of course we came up with a different strategy in upping another medication I’m taking. I hope this helps a little as I know it isn’t going to solve the problem instantly.
Anyway, this has been a wild up and down roller coaster ride in the last week and a half. My last video post came in the middle of this but I didn’t know there was anything wrong then. I got another interview for a job scheduled a couple days from now. While I still have not been hired in the places I applied to and even interviewed at this summer, I am still striving to get somewhere with this and I know it will happen. All I need is a part time job I can handle, paired with my Social Security Disability Insurance, and finally a place to rent so I can finally move out. I am not going to let my shaky mental health problems get in the way of achieving my life goals. They will NOT bring me down. I got this. And to everyone else in their darkest hour, if I can still be here continuing to move forward, you can too. I believe in you.

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