This Is The Last “Where I’m At” Post In A Long While…I Promise!

Okay. Where do I begin? My body and brain (they affect each other A LOT, never forget that) have had so many ups and downs in the last couple of days. When I said earlier in this blog (if I did at all, I can’t remember right now and I don’t feel like checking) that I have an emotional cycle that starts with happiness, then anger, then anxiety, and finally crying out of the blue…that cycle for awhile lasted for every couple of weeks. With the new, terrible medication that I am finally off (YES!!) my cycle has been getting faster and faster. Yesterday I was pretty much in bed all day. It was my first day detoxing from those meds and had I detoxed even a day later, I would have definitely ended up in the ER for the third time this year. The emotional cycle went from what was once a couple weeks to a couple hours, if not shorter. And the extremes were the highest they have ever been and hopefully will never be that high ever again. I couldn’t control myself at all. Everything was dark in my head. I was screaming and crying hard non stop for over an hour but much louder and painful than even my last meltdown back in May. I was beyond being a grown man (God I hate referring to myself with that term but whatever) throwing a temper tantrum. I felt like I was in a torture chamber or something. It was so scary and all I wanted was for my life to move forward a million lightyears ahead IMMEDIATELY. I couldn’t think straight. I thought everyone around me AND online who is there for me secretly hates me. I thought no one does or ever did take me seriously. That everything about me is a double standard against everyone else who IS taken seriously. I never want to go through that again. I was never officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but sometimes after things like that happen, I wonder if bipolar isn’t my only disorder when it comes to sudden mood changes. This is far more extreme and scary to me.
Anyway, I saw my psychiatrist today which was a blessing in disguise because I had no idea the appointment scheduled for today never was pushed back (long story). I explained to her what was happening and I am back on my old medication and the dosage I was on before these new pills were added. By comparison, I am starting to feel much better. But I am definitely still in detoxing and recovery mode. I am able to write and upload this blog post which at times like these, is a big accomplishment for me. I will admit my ups and downs were still taking over on the bus ride back from my appointment this morning. On my phone I kept retweeting the same thing over and over again about wishing I was born in 1998 instead of 1988, demanding a response and assuming the worst like it was delusional and selfish to wish that. In some ways it is, but in a more reflective and personal way, it is how I feel very often. I generally feel people like me are more accepted (even if it is just a HAIR more when it should be A LOT more which needs to happen soon but I digress) in more modern times than when I was a kid. The tweet expressed this in a way that would assume I’d be happier and be taken more seriously and wouldn’t feel or live like I do today. But seeing things for how they really are, I know that wouldn’t be true let alone guaranteed. Also I am constantly blaming myself for being selfish when small children and babies are being imprisoned and separated from their families along the border. And nobody can just brush this off and ignore this. This is the worst it has EVER been for our country which Trump is trying to transform into a new-school Nazi regime with all of our moral values and overall safety and security flushed down the toilet. I have to bring this up because as optimistic I am for the future, shit gets way too overwhelming for EVERYONE and with so many people suffering from depression today more than ever at the same time this is going on, this is the LAST thing that we need to wake up to everyday. I am going to leave it at that for now and will keep blogging on a regular basis soon. I still am not up to rewriting the post on that voice coach I had back in 2014, but if that isn’t my very next post, it will at least be one of the posts coming soon. I just have to feel like me again. That’s my main goal as of now.

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