Where I’m At Pt 4 – Out Of Control

Okay. My original idea for tonight’s post was going to be about my former voice coach who represents everything wrong with stigma and why so many people are walking around depressed and suicidal. But as I almost finished writing it, I was so messed up in my head and body in general, that I accidentally closed it without saving and all of the writing disappeared. So now I will have to start over but I figured I will save that post for hopefully tomorrow, but if not, very soon.
I need to update you all on what is has been like since yesterday’s post (Where I’m At Pt 3). Things have gotten much worse with the medication I have been taking for the past three or so weeks. Two appointments ago with my psychiatrist, she prescribed new meds to take to the additional dosage changes that were working for awhile but wore off. I am supposed to take these at night, which is what I have been doing. Unfortunately, two of the side effects are dizziness and drowsiness. To put it simple: sedation. Now sedation is what I wanted and still want because I felt my emotions were going into extremes with the bipolar treatment I was getting. Once the previous plan wore off, my bipolar treatment became worse instead of better. So to calm me down a bit, these two new prescriptions were supposed to do the trick. But NOW, after three weeks, they have kicked in too much, where I am too tired. I have been oversleeping which I NEVER do. This morning I was going on my usual morning 3-mile walk and couldn’t even get a quarter of the way there. I was sweating more than usual in the summer sun, my legs were weak and my face was feeling pressure all over. It was like a major hangover. I had been up and awake for three hours at the most but my eyes were still not fully open. I had to catch the next bus to take me back to the last stop near where I live. I was not happy and unnaturally exhausted. But mentally I am more exhausted and frustrated than ever before. Despite the dizziness and drowsiness, I am still having these extreme anger episodes in my mind. I want to rest but feel restless simultaneously. I am too calm but can’t calm down. And to top it all off, my anxiety is through the roof. The only thing that actually DOES calm me down legitimately is (no surprise here) listening to my rap mixtapes, but these days they are the hardest and most aggressive records I have in my stash, because that’s how I feel right now. I will call my psychiatrist for the 18th millionth time this coming Monday and lay it on the line for the 18th millionth time. Every time I see her, I hold nothing back, because I don’t just want/need peace of mind. I want to have the ability to LIVE MY LIFE. And I won’t settle for having zero energy. This is all the medication. This isn’t depression or anything I BEEN having. This is not normal nor acceptable. And I keep wanting to just call people up that haven’t been harming me and tell them off because I just feel like it. That’s not something I should be feeling. So what do I do? Vent my frustration in my blog.
I also wanted to let my readers know that I post my blog posts on two different sites. My primary site is https://maddawgvlogs.blogspot.com and my secondary blog site is https://maddawgvlogsblogspot.wordpress.com. Every time I post to the primary one, I copy it and paste it onto the wordpress site. Around 25 or so posts are just on the primary site because they are shorter and not as personal or crucial for people to see but I may add them to the wordpress site later some time. I hope to re-do my originally planned post and upload it really soon. Thank you as always to my fellow readers, both sites included 🙂

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