Where I’m At Now Pt 3

This has been another exhausting week. As usual, not because of things I’m doing physically or because I have a busy schedule (I wish at this point) but because my brain has been racing faster and more intensely than ever before. This is the worst it has ever been. And I really feel like my medication is the reason. I have always felt anger at various things (all justifiably) but my reactions are a lot quicker and explosive than before. I don”t act on them (thank God) but I have disturbing fantasies almost every other hour during the time of day when my moods are the most out of control.
If you remember my last post, I went to see my psychiatrist and was prepared to ask her a series of questions about the psychologist she was going to refer me to. I was relieved to find out she was (with my permission) going to get in touch with my lifelong therapist instead. While me and him kinda had another falling out two weeks ago, I am willing to get any actual help I can trust at this point. The extreme internal problems I also discussed yesterday with my psychiatrist. She is prepared to eventually get me onto a new antidepressant that will replace the one I am on now. This will likely happen in another two weeks when I see her again. For now, we just once again changed the dosage of my current meds. I will just say that I am tired of doing everything I can to feel more at peace with myself but if people refuse to listen when I demand my needs, than I will keep my angry tweets going (everyone has been very supportive of me through all of this and is going through or has gone through the same shit) and vent about it and the global mental health stigma on this blog.
Last night, I submitted a 1000+ word essay about my life on stigmafighters.com and am proud of myself for getting every important detail in. I hope parents and teachers see it specifically, and even more specifically, Neurotypical parents and teachers. It might educate THEM for a change. And I will also add doctors. Any kind of doctor, not just psychiatric or psychological. My writing is my real medicine and every time I finish a piece and upload it, I feel a little more at peace. It may not be a lot more, but every little bit every day definitely helps. I know I can fight and win the war against all of these inner demons. But it will be me that does it in the end. I know myself better than anyone, including doctors but the good ones I have/had at least try. So I thank them for that.

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