My Most Personal And Revealing Post…So Far

This has been an insane three weeks so far. If you recall my first couple posts from around three weeks ago, you might remember me saying that I have been numb to so much happening to me, around me and just anything related to feeling something, both physically and mentally for nearly a decade, because of a long-ass stage of grief called denial that overstayed it’s welcome. What caused this original grieving in the first place is still a mystery to me.
Fast-forwarding to the days after my second blog post which detailed my midnight trip to the ER the night before, and what you have here is a guy who refuses to let this stupid pattern continue. I have been making goal after goal for myself and would love to see many of them met before I turn 30 which is in less than three months from now. But this was not driven by anything having to do with a stage of grief naturally passing the torch. Something really powerful had to shatter this cycle in my brain or I would die of old age with my only good years from being a teenager to show for it. I hesitated to mention what this was in the aforementioned post, because I knew this all along since it started. It was the March For Our Lives which if you don’t know, took place on Saturday, March 24th, 2018, two days before I started this blog fresh for good and published my first of what will be hundreds of thousands of posts (pun intended).
I was embarrassed to explain why this was. You see, I have spent years being a fucking pessimist. My attitude for why the world sucks (The Powers That Be that is, and you know damn well that’s 100% true) was the false acceptance that the human race is evil and that’s just the way it is. But before 2008 (sophomore year in college), that was NEVER the way I thought. I was someone who took charge and didn’t give a fuck what people thought about me because I would not let obstacles stand in my way. I kept pushing forward and to quote some people from the past, I was always “on a mission”. This march just made me feel two things; inspired of course, but also regretful of wasting so much goddamn time trying to please people while having zero confidence in people and my own abilities (and the abilities of GOOD people) to change things for the better. I was and am still thinking, damn, these kids are the same age I was when I was at the height of my abilities (so far) by advocating for myself to get back in the mainstream school system and doing a great fucking job at it, proving the McLean Pathways Academy staff that they cannot and WILL not keep me in their trenches forever.
But the main part of this regret was realizing finally how much time has gone by since then. How I now know from just one historic event (the magnitude was unreal for me) that anything is possible but that life is too short. So when it is still not too late, go out and finish what you started and give it all you got. YOU HAVE THAT POWER!! And just to clarify, I am NOT blaming myself at all for the years of abuse I took before high school. There are so many factors that piled up and led me to deep depression. My regret is simply letting this shit continue and giving those motherfuckers the satisfaction that they can destroy my life.
Just like the Pathways people I mentioned earlier, I am still standing here right now ready to show everyone (and specifically the organizations before them) before and after high school that they will not get away with what they did to me and I never forgot. And you best believe that I will not let them forget. They say success is the best revenge, but I don’t want to put that dark spin on it by calling it revenge. I call it…wait for it…social justice!! We are living in the era of pushing back against the corruption that is trying to milk their still barely living generation’s power for all it’s worth (and it ain’t worth shit but you knew that). So many movements and exposure of corruption is now finally taking place. I mean 2018 also had the #MeToo movement. In June of 2015, gay marriage became officially legal across the nation. The LGBTQ+ community has become a leading part of our culture and is universally accepted, not ridiculed by the masses. And of course there is #BlackLivesMatter which to me has had so much of an impact and presence that even the biggest grossing movie in years is fucking Black Panther! People say SJW on social media like it’s a bad thing. I like to think there are becoming more and more outnumbered. But what I also like to think is that movements do not need to stop there. One of my biggest life goals is to take the awareness and acceptance AND VALIDATING TREATMENT of Aspergers Syndrome and more-so the many different areas of the autistic spectrum, to take all of that to the next level! Anyone that says there are people making progress in that field are lying. And what’s even worse is that all of these so called helpers are Neurotypical. They only know what the existing research on the subject tells them. And it’s still very backwards. I said in that Meetup post that Massachusetts doesn’t even have any Aspie groups other than the Fringe group that meets once a month. But Massachusetts DOES have a bunch of old-school organizations that started out years ago using methods like putting hands on kids having meltdowns, putting them in aggressive, abusive full restraints with four of five adults practically body slamming the kid. There are still places even around here where this STILL GOES ON! If you say “Well some kids might find it helpful” you do not know what you are talking about and if a neurotypical kid was being held down like that, you would immediately call the cops right? I have been through all of that as a kid because I was born in 1988 when the “research” was just getting ready to enter the American school systems. This shit is disgusting and goes against all basic ethics and common sense. A lot of my years of depression have been caused from those lifetime scars. No one deserves to go through this. And NO ONE who has been through it deserves to be told from somebody that doesn’t know any better that if you went through it you are “damn lucky”. That right there was referring to one specific person from college who didn’t know me yet like she would later but it doesn’t matter. If you’re reading this, fuck you. And to loosely quote somebody from a horrible college a friend of mine went to, this is not a “sucking contest”. Everyone who has had it rough has had it in different ways. Do not judge a book by it’s cover.
I will do whatever it takes with the resources I have to get others behind me and one of these days, maybe people on the spectrum can invest in their own organizations, be in charge and help the next breed of their kind, and so on and so forth. The only reason people don’t treat this shit as seriously as other disturbing problems in society, is because we continue to accept what is unacceptable.
Thanks again to all of the people who have stood up for what’s right in these last few years. It feels good to be living in what is essentially a revival of the civil rights movement. You have been an inspiration to me and so many others 🙂

(Originally posted on April 14th 2018)

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