Let me start off by saying that it was very difficult to start this blog again. I wanted to revive something I cared about that due to life events, I completely scrapped after only a few posts. These original posts were in the summer of 2016. If I could go back in time to my college years, which were years way before that, I would have grown a pair five times the size of my fucking waistline, which you could probably guess was also much bigger than the aforementioned pair back then. Let me just say before THOSE years, I was a high school student that had just fought the good fight to enter back in the mainstream, public school system after years since the 5th grade attending school on hospital-related grounds for “difficult” and/or “special” kids. You see, my teenage years represented a time where I was much younger, and well, much more driven. This period of my life was 11 to 13 years ago. I felt unstoppable, not in an ignorant form of cockiness, but because I worked hard to earn it. Giving up WAS an option, just like it is for everyone. It was my choice NOT to do that. Doing this resulted in two of the happiest years of my life.
So what happened? What changed in me? I gotta tell you. I still don’t know the answer. I graduated to the sounds of arena-style cheers. I didn’t have close friends on a conventional level necessarily, but everyone at the public high school knew me in those two years. They knew my talents that I quickly showed them, and the students saw me as a star of sorts. And the adults saw me as an inspiration even for students there that were in public school their whole lives but struggled with their confidence. Who knew two years later, after my very dark sophomore year in college (contrasting with my favorite college year as a freshmen, which built on the momentum of high school for the most part), that it appeared my drive had stopped with a screeching holt, and the person I was transformed into an overweight, self-loathing coward who took shit from everyone and let it dictate who I was and make me believe my successful journey to and in high school was a fluke and it did not represent the real me.
To make a long story short, my last two years before graduating from college was a success story too, but an incredibly bittersweet one by contrast. I was in a relationship for the first time with a girl who started out as a friend since freshmen year. It was clear for the first few months in, to both of us, that we were meant to be together. But once we had our first fight, did I hold my ground? Did I learn from my mistakes that led to this fight? Did I beg for forgiveness in tears and begin to shrink into the bitch role of the relationship that would continue for seven long years full of dishonesty from me and controlling from an equally insecure her? Only one of these questions is a yes. You know which one.
Part II Coming Very Very Soon So Stay Tuned…
(Originally Published On March 26th, 2018)