This week has been beyond tough. When I wrote my first blog post on Monday, the thing that just “hit me, hit me hard” only just happened a day earlier. I will explain. That previous post was written before I found out that I was going through multiple stages of grief throughout the years. It wasn’t just regret, but regret definitely played a leading role. There were so many ways I was feeling or should I say NOT feeling during my early years struggling with depression. It was what many studies would label as “denial”. If you don’t know, that consists of unknowingly turning off all of your emotions to protect you and your happiness. Well, I don’t really think it’s time yet on this blog to reveal what I witnessed (a good thing, don’t get it twisted) but it led me to wake up the next morning coming to a realization of how things in my life REALLY were and even worse, what they REALLY are now. I have spent all of my twenties hiding from honesty for fear of criticism that I would be way too sensitive and defensive toward, along with fear of being judged and shamed by societal pressures. I shouldn’t have gave a fuck. I should not have let the horrific and completely unnecessary consequences of acting out as a kid stop me from speaking my mind, especially when I still had the platform to do so. Now I am on my way to finding a new platform and for now, I will just leave that last statement the way it is.
All this week, the emotions I was experiencing were different than before. They were bottled up emotions of being physically and emotionally hurt, abused, and dealing with crooked authority that has always haunted me to this day. It was now that all of those bottled up emotions from 10 years or more just snapped and came out all at once. This was in the form of excessive crying, crazy muscle tension and the inability to turn off my brain causing rapid heart beating, panic attacks and not being able to fall asleep. Medication and relaxation techniques didn’t help but made it worse. Last night around midnight, I fell asleep at 11. Woke up at 12:30 and ended up shaking all over, shivering, showing spasms, and couldn’t stop hyperventilating. Immediately was driven to the emergency room nearby and was there for about four hours. After the usual I.V. connecting and heart monitering going fine, I explained a brief summary of what I was going through that caused this physical reaction. They sent a psychiatrist in after 2 hours of waiting.
He was cool. I told him a brief summary too and the cause for this sudden change, and he asked me if I was feeling about a certain dilemma within contexts of events, which HE described. Do you what I said and thought? “You hit the nail RIGHT on the head” He suggested cognitive therapy which I wasn’t aware of until a little while ago when a friend started getting said treatment. And if that’s a step I gotta take, you know damn well I’mma take it.
And just as a closer for this post:
All those motherfuckers that didn’t see my potential in the past. And limited my resources to do what I want to do with my life and not be TOLD what to do, etc etc etc…
If you try to control my drive and determination and sense of power anymore, you will fail. I no longer take shit. I throw it back and make lemonade until they see my and many, many others’ point of view or at least acknowledge and respect it. That’s all.
(Originally posted on March 30th, 2018)